I keep going out in public, I keep blacking. I'm about to combine the two, if I can manage to get nice and brave.
I went to the womens party at the
WetSpot this past weekend. I knew a few people... Henry who's art I purchased at
SEAF last month, Henry's partner who I was introduced to. Lancer of Seattle Women in Leather and Brandy who I worked for at SEAF. I was nervos, very very nervous, I hate going places alone like that where I'm not sure I'll know anyone.
Henry tskd at me after finding out I had my blacking stuff with me, but didn't take it out or tell anyone, oopsie, I was encouraged to email the party addfress for next time, and get int here and black, dammit. I'm just so nervous that I'll mess something up or do something wrong the first time I try in public. I never have before, but there is always a first time, or so I'm told.
I was sorta enjoying myself on and off, when I wasn't busy feeling like an outsider just on the fringe of groups as usual. I managed to make it through watching the first few scenes before the wash of sad crept over me. Watching people touch and play was hard. I miss affection, I miss feeling attractive, I miss being wated, I miss sex.
Eventually I just, couldn't listen to the screams of pleasure and the moan after each snap of whip or cane or flogger. I came home, tried to talk about it, failed, went to bed.
Even with the bad bits, I think I'll come again next time. Also, I'm told that the party in July is all night. Might be fin to do... maybe I'll know a few more people.
<3~
